Sometimes I think you are totally crazy, other times I think that maybe I am the one that’s neurotic. The further my thoughts go back the more I wish you were there sooner so that I could have loved you longer. I know that you made some very drastic changes in your life to be with me. I do appreciate them, as that has helped me to learn how to trust you. Yet I am still paranoid enough to wonder what it is you saw in me that could have ever made you do something so vast. To change your life and move in with somebody you barely knew, that’s genius, which is nuts. It has been the most fantastic whirlwind imaginable. What on earth and heaven did I ever do to make you love me the way that you do? What is it? Am I vain for wondering? Probably… We all know how much I love to hear about myself. You could probably even tell me a million times and I still wouldn’t believe you completely. Vanity and a lack of self-esteem have always been such good friends of mine. Then you walked into my life and you gave me more to think about than me. I sit and wonder about what life with you will be like when we are 40 and 50 and so on and so forth, each year seems to hold one more door to unlock with you being the key. I think about the future now with more optimism than I ever have. Optimism is nice sometimes. I like it. Past relationships have always left me wondering just what I was settling for, and over time I came to realize that if that was it, I needed to get out of the whole thing, but with you after all this time I still see no wrong. There’s no rhyme or reason to our attraction, nothing tangible, but something is there. Something I didn’t recognize until very recently, and something probably neither of us has ever had. I respect you, I love you and I feel responsible for your feelings. I take it very seriously when I hurt them, intentionally or not. Mostly unintentional, believe me. I care very deeply for you and all that you are. I have faith in you and your future. I am proud of the man you are and I take pride in my small part in that. You give me a love that I wish everyone in the world could feel. It really is different. Usually in that lusty love you feel an absolute devotion to the person you direct that love at. Not that I don’t feel utter devotion for you, I just tend to think about myself now too. I see US in love and not just you or I in love. Do you know what I mean? I have the desire to try and better myself, not for you, but because of you. I do it for me. You and I teach each other to love our selves as well. You can never fully love another unless you love yourself. I had not realized that until I met you. I had heard it, but the meaning never really hit me. I am learning to love me, which I could never thank you enough for, and through that, I learn to love you more clearly, openly, honestly and deeply. You are my phoenix, my sun and my stars, my one true. What would I do without you?
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I get the urge sometimes to say things to people and usually this urge comes at really inappropriate times. Then when I get the opportunity I forget. So maybe some day he will see this, and if not, then at least I will be able to look back and see that I did feel this way, for at least a day, and with any luck I will feel this way forever.
The other night he said something about in one month our's will officially be the longest relationship he has ever been in. 31 years old and 10 months is his record. It made me nervous and proud.
I keep waiting for him to turn into a pumpkin.
~B.e.D.
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