I am at work right now and I was scribbling down the previous drivel when I got a phone call from my mother. My dad, he tried to kill himself the other night. Drove down to the river with a .45 caliber handgun, but due to the amount of cops driving by he ended up going home. Told my mom that he didn’t think he would have done it, but the intent was there. Then I hear he wrote us all a letter. I don’t want to read it, but he wants us to. I need to talk to my sister. I hate to do this, but when someone tells you your whole life that you are just like them it is really hard to see them when they are at this kind of low.
This fucking sucks.
I know I shouldn’t be angry, I know I shouldn’t feel betrayed. I should realize that it isn’t all about me. It’s about him and his dealings with the depression that has plagued him since he almost killed my sister while drunk as fuck and driving 16 years ago. I should be helpful and supportive and loving and willing to let him talk to me and finally get some things off his chest, but I am not sure I can handle that. Fathers are supposed to be pillars, rocks, the one thing in the world that every little girl can depend on. The person who may let you down constantly but will always be there when it truly seriously counts. I don’t think I know any fathers like that. Not one of my friends has one, and yet the stereotype still remains. I think men have done a shitty job living up to what a father should be. We can’t depend on our own dads and you expect us to let you slide on by. This is why the majority of women don’t trust men.
I can not fucking believe how much this sucks.
What does this do to my psyche? Do you ever wonder just how much damage you are doing to other people without even realizing it? It may be your psychosis, but it affects everyone around you.
I just want to close my eyes and when I open them have everything the way it was last week. I don’t fucking care if it is possible or not. I wonder why I keep everything inside, and now I think I know why.
~ Black Eyed Dog