So let me tell ya'll about my weekend. I got to spend the weekend with Jeffrey and it was wonderful! We had a real good time and had a lot of time to get to know each other better in a more one on one basis. It was magic really. I felt really comfortable. We lived like a couple, a serious couple, for two stolen days. I woke up Saturday morning and he was raring to get outside and mow the lawn and feed the cat and do laundry and stuff, but since I had been up all day and then drove and was up all night, he let me sleep in. I woke up to breakfast in bed for the first time in my life. He makes me coffee, he brings it to me and he is so proud of the fact that I think it is perfect. I ended up not eating it in bed though because he was sitting out in the front room going through his comics and I wanted to be near him. We did some shopping after a massive urge for ice cream struck. We came home, made dinner, his lasagne ROCKS!!!, we ate we watched a movie, we sat on the front porch and stared at the moon while he sang to me, we went to bed and made love all night. It was one of the best days I have ever had. I think my jaw still hurts from smiling. Sunday was much the same. Until...
See I have been carrying around this guilt for 3 months now. Before Jeff and I met I went to Greensboro to see a concert with Robin. I told Jeff that I was intimate with Robin, but I bold faced lied to him when I told him I didn't have sex with Robin. I figured it wasn't important, I hadn't made any promises to Jeff at the time. I thought I could just go on and it would be one of those things he would never have to know. Then things with Robin got weird, I couldn't keep the secret all the time anymore. I tried to get it out of my system. I never told Josh when I cheated on him, I never told Rick that I slept with Josh for the first 4 months of our relationship while he was in Chico. I never felt any guilt to either of them for not being honest. It just never bothered me. With Jeff its been bothering the fuck out of me. I was thinking about telling him every damn time I saw him and looked into his eyes, and I knew that they looked at me with absolute trust and here I was holding in the lie I told. So Sunday night we were lying in bed and I couldn't stand it anymore. I told him. I figured at that point it was over, he was going to kick my ass right out of his house and never want to see me again. I thought I was going to vomit. The whole thing was so hard to come out with, and I just finally said it. He listened to me for the longest time and when I finished he basically said that he had a feeling, he knew... I knew that he knew. It was rough. I don't really want to get into it, too much more that is. At the end, he forgave me, which I still don't understand, and we are still happy and everything seems ok.
I didn't want him to know, I still feel like I have irreperably damaged something. I have been totally honest with him about everything else and one lie has shaken my faith in myself to the point where, no matter how much he tries to tell me differently, I am sure it has shaken his faith in me. Never ever lie to the one you want in your life forever. It never goes away. It festers and boils and will tear you apart. I thought that by telling him yesterday that I was doing it soon enough, but there is never a "soon enough" it is always too late the minute you start the lie. I never should have done it in the first place... I can't change that now, but I did change the fact that my relationship was being built on a lie. I am lucky enough to have a man who can forgive and understand. I would have gladly let him smack me in the mouth or kick my ass out the door. He didn't do either. He told me he loved me still.
My relationship has just become the first one I have ever been in that has no secrets. I intend to keep it that way.
I apologize to those of you that are bored or tired of reading my tome, but I need to remember. I need to be able to come back here later and look into my life and remember that I have a moral code, and that all my actions have a consequence. As do all of yours.